So What We Gonna Have- Dessert or Disaster?

I believe that we all gotta put the brakes on these so called romances, flings, hook ups or things we call love. Do we even really know what these things really are? I mean, to what extent is the definition of love understood or practiced.

I've seen many heartless people who are able to hurt without conscience and continue doing so or even those who love to play with hearts. We over abuse the term love as a word to express any form of like. But are you sure that's what you're really trying to convey? We sometimes confuse love with lust or maybe...love IS lust in denial.

I'm sick of having to see something that's supposed to be one of the best things humans have created as something two dimensional or even technologically based. How is that love? How is that caring? How is something plastic and superficial able to convey true expressions from the heart? Or maybe that's just the generation we live in today.

We live in times where emotions can be conveyed in many ways without us communicating it personally. Or the way we convey words nowadays are so intricate with emotions laying upon one another to cover up the true meaning. We even say things nowadays without meaning them. Like I said, words have honestly lost their meaning.

I am able to express my feelings with even abbreviations. I mean do people really "LOL" when they type it? No, of course not. Do we really "LMAO"? In your world, maybe.

I hate how technology has even advanced and quickened communication. What about this for a scenario: Girl tells guy she likes him. He texts back 2 seconds later saying no. And these are just little words on a screen and yet they have more of an impact than having this conversation in person because you aren't able to see the reaction of the other person and you're left with speculation and false conclusions.

Y'all just gotta understand that, if you really wanna express what you want do it face to face. Trust me, it's a fuckload better than some shit that's written on a screen

:D WOOO

Just wanted to wish my beloved cousin a HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY! :D
She's so fucking amazing in every way and I know that her future will be bright and filled with alot of happy moments. I love you WKT <3

Hurting in Silence

Emotions are kept hidden,
but not in the eyes,
I've never truly looked,
happy.

My parents are in denial,
I am in denial,
I wonder what's wrong.
Why do we play happy family?

I don't know how to stop pretending
I don't know what's right from wrong.
Lies, truths, they're all words.
Pitiful, meaningless words.

Everything has lost its meaning.
I hate who I am.
I hate that I don't believe.
I hate that I'm living this way.

Fake.

It's ironic how many times I keep telling myself to be optimistic and not truly believing it. I tell people the same shit and they're able to change their views. I guess their problems aren't as big or of much importance.

I've had my heart honestly mutilated with lies, with hurtful words, with truths and with reality. It's been too much to deal at times and sometimes I wish you could just stop everything. Just freeze everything in place and to walk away. Just walk away.

People don't understand that in life, we all have choices. These choices are ones that we make on our own and we should understand the consequences that are placed upon them. I hate how my life was created and that I am the product of sin. I have to suffer other people's choices and the consequences.

I am torn apart in so many ways. Mentally, I am completely drained and I wonder how is it still possible that I'm in denial. I mean, honestly I question my mental health alot. I find it beyond hard to concentrate on anything else. It's as if the heart is connected to the brain in some weird way. It's as if when the heart is hurting the brain is unable to function completely alright.

I have my own mother trying to reach out to me but I find it impossible to communicate in any sense. It's whatever I express, the pain I feel, the confusion, the hate is put down and set aside, and she still wonders why I don't want to share anything with her. It's because there's no point when she doesn't understand and is unable to wake up from denial.

For those who actually read what I'm writing you would see recurring themes of lies, denial, pain...yeah. About that. These words sum up the life I live and it's a very delicate lifestyle. I guess you have to understand the way I've been brought up, made me who I am today, the Pretender.

Band-Aid.

Too bad they don't invent band-aids for broken hearts, broken homes, or broken people. Nothing to protect the broken from more pain. Band aids serve as a protective barrier but just non permanent. It's supposed help until the wound is ready to heal by itself.

I guess pain was invented to acknowledge the strong from the weak. It allows people to grow or it allows people to fall. I'm one of those who are falling. I keep telling myself that I'm better than this. What the hell is wrong? What's wrong? I'll tell you what's fucking wrong. LIFE'S FUCKING WITH ME.

Everytime I try to get my shit together something worse always occurs. It's as if there's a never ending cycle of crap going on in my life. I adore those who have simple, happy lives where living is out of purpose and not as a chore.

Sometimes I wonder...what am I doing here? I mean life ain't that great at this point so why bother carrying on? Sure, I've seeked help, talked to people, read those gay shit psychology books and I'm still not alright.

I'm just broken beyond repair but repackaged into something plastic to keep it all together. This exterior i guess was SUPPOSED to be made to last but somehow, it had a crack. I tried to place a band aid to cover up the crack. Guess that didn't work.

Words That Have Lost Their Meaning.

Don't say something that you know you don't mean. Don't promise something that you know will never happen. Don't think that people won't be affected by your words. Because they are. People would trust and believe, it's one of our components I suppose...but once you start believing in the lies, truth becomes meaningless and from there on you're confused on what's true and what's not. To this day, I don't even know for sure what I feel is true, what I think is right or even the things that I believe are worth believing in. I HATE people who just blatantly say things without thinking. They don't understand what words can do. I mean ever heard of verbal abuse? It's another fucking form of bullying. I mean...I was part of it once in my life and trust me I do NOT want to be part of it ever again.

Another thing that I don't understand, is the over usage of the words "I love you". I mean the more you say it, the more it loses its meaning. I mean there's not POINT in saying those words when you don't mean it. Plus for those hearing those 3 words, they would believe in it because it's one of the most simplest yet most affective sentence in the human language. It expresses an emotion being passed on from one person to another and to me, that's a fuck load.So stop saying it if you don't fucking mean it!

I mean look at politicians nowadays promising shit to the people, just make sure you carry through with your promises. If not, then there was no point in saying them in the beginning. Personally, I've had so many promises made to me that have been broken. I actually believed in these promises, wishing they would come true. Instead I had to find out the hard way that they were just lies and a god damn facade.

I hope people would just understand that words can affect someone gravely. In order to stop unnecessary pain, just stop and think before you say something because once they leave your lips there's no way on getting them back.

Some-thing that I call a Poem.

Man, this was a poem I wrote when I was drunk and emo...and amazingly I like it. I think it's one of those poems that have such a deep meaning but are put in very simple words...Anyhoo, enjoy.

I fell on my knees,

Crying over you,

But all you did was flee.

And now I see what’s true.

I see those who love me,

I see those who care,

I see those who want me free,

And get rid of this sick love affair.

I told myself to give me time.

I told myself to heal.

I told myself that it’s not a crime

To lie about how you truly feel.

The pain increases day by day

But I don’t let it show on my face

For I put on a mask, a show, a play,

To conceal this painful phase.

It’s amazing what one person can do.

The one who you love,

Is able to crush you, burn you, and leave you.

That’s the one you love.

Time is the greatest healer.

That’s what my dad said.

Then why does it seem like forever.

And that I’ve lost my head?

Future Planning.

When did it ever become such a hassle? I mean honestly, when did high school become so stressful? Most of us are working our asses off just to get a decent application for a university. It's insane. Some are over the top! They join clubs, sports, community services and maintain a GPA of 4.0 and have no time to just relax.

What happened to learning to enlighten oneself? Or just out of enjoyment of a subject? It's just become this competition where we're all fighting one another...and the sad part is, is that it's the first stepping stone of our life path. I mean, after acceptance we can all take a breather and just chill. But for now, there's everyone telling you to get more involved, to study harder, to spend less time doing useless things (for eg. computer games, movies, hanging out with friends). We're only human, and more specifically, teenagers! How do you expect us to handle all of it? We need a fricking BALANCE!

Personally, I have such BAD time management...and I should honestly learn how to prioritize and stick with the bloody program. Thank goodness, sophomore year is coming to an end. I hate it, and want it to be OVER!

I'm sick of...

1) Fake people, we already created plastic.
2) Annoying people, who seriously need to get a fucking clue.
3) Self centered people, i mean seriously the world doesn't revolve around you. Live with it.
4) Jerks. Get some god damn people skills. No one wants to deal with one.
5) Spoiled brats. You have everything you could possibly want and you're still not happy? Well you better fucking appreciate it because there are others who would kill to be in your place.
6) Liars. Don't your remember that story, "The Boy Who Cried Wolf?"
7) Gossip. It's so sad that you have to talk about other people because your life is THAT uninteresting.
8) Egoistic airheads. I'm sorry to pop your happy bubble but welcome to fucking reality. There's always someone better out there.
9) Snobs. I don't give a shit if you wear Gucci or Prada, we're all gonna end up the same anyways; dead.
10) Racists. What the fuck is WRONG with you? If you hate colour so much, just turn colour blind or something.

Rejection, Denied, No Go.

I'm sorry [insert name]...I just don't feel the same way. Or I'm not ready. Or let's just be friends. Sound familiar? Say hello to rejection.

Don't worry, we'll all go through it at least once in our lives so don't feel bad or pine over it. Just chillax and imagine...it could've been worse. I mean you were brave enough to pop the question or even mention it. Or even if you just declared your affection, that's already a huge achievement.

I mean, I'm such a big chicken. I usually just keep all my emotions to myself so basically, it's hard for you to read me. I mean you took the risk, a chance to see if there was a possibility of something happening. Be happy, because now you don't have to live off "what ifs".

Rejection? Nah, more like an opportunity to score another. :)

Sweet Nightmares.

What the fuck is wrong with me? What happened to moving on? To get a life? To stop being emo? I hate dreams. Actually, they aren't EVEN dreams. They're god damn nightmares that need to be erased. They hurt so much because they feel so real and when I wake up, I then only realize that it was just another nightmare.

I wish they invented something to brainwash you...or just delete something from your memory, like tearing a piece of paper out of the book. You just continue reading without knowing what happened. It's even worse for it robs me from my sleep, from my happiness and from moving on.

So basically, fuck my dreams.

Love. Fact or Myth

Love defined in a dictionary: a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. A feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection. Sexual passion or desire.

Three different ways to describe this thing, that all humans have endured throughout their time on Earth. Life began with love. It was a shared thought of two people, to bring in another life to this world. It was these two who believed in love. It was these two who made you believe in love.

I personally believe there are many levels of love. There's the love of your friends. This love is strong and bonds people together who share the same emotions and interests. These people are the family that you were able to choose.

Then there's the love of interest. This pure devotion of something, maybe you love singing, drawing, acting, swimming, you name it. It's something that you devote your life to but it's not necessarily a person. One thing for sure, this type of love doesn't abandon you, you abandon it.

Then there's the love of of your parents. This probably would be the strongest bond in the world. It's what I call unconditional. These people would fucking die for you. I mean, come ON! They were the ones who gave life to you! They were the ones who have supported you, and trust me they do. Even if they don't love you the way you want them to, it doesn't mean they don't love you with all they've got. They might not understand you, they might not be who you would have imagined but they are yours to keep and yours to cherish.

The other type of love is the one where you give your all to another person. This type of love is what catches everyone by surprise. It might take time for something to flourish or sometimes it just takes love at first sight. Cheesy as that may sound, it's what people believe in. It's when, you believe the other person makes you feel complete and allows you to be who you are and they accept you for that. They love you for your achievements. They love you for your flaws. Heck, they love everything and anything ABOUT you. This is what we all hope to achieve in our lifetime. Something so pure that life is worth living for. Imagine, to spend time with someone who makes you feel as if you ARE everything that you ARE worth it and that there's NOTHING else to compare you with. I personally, have only seen such things in movies. It's something we all dream about but it's so hard to obtain in reality.

Personally, my outlook on love so far has been shit. I guess I've experienced all the wrong things and haven't had the opportunity to see the good. I so far, believe the strongest love I've felt have been from my parents. Even though we never EVER are on the same page on things, I know that they will always be there for me and love me for me.

I've been duped in believing things, lived off lies and fed with insults. I've been treated with the same respect you give trash. Funny enough, I still thought at some point there was love. I guess it's true when people say love is blind. You deny yourself the flaws, you allow yourself to see what you want to, to hear what you want to and to believe in the lies. I was too scared to let go, i was too scared to stop. I hung on to something that had no true meaning and it affected me so deeply that I'm not the same person that I used to be.

I would say I was broken to a million shattering pieces . I wouldn't say that I've healed. It's been so long now and I'm still not over it. Heck, it was my first "love" if that's what you wanna call it. Fuck. People say you'll always remember your first...and honestly I don't really want to. It gave me more pain than actual happiness. It's like that fucking Kelly Clarkson song, Because of You. Ugh.

To ease all the pain, I've started to use alcohol as an escape. What's even more ironic is the fact that I've studied the affects of alcohol on a person and I still do it. I would drink day in and day out...it was such a nice feeling to be numb. It was like...nothing mattered and you could just chill, not worry. My parents realized I was drinking...they thought I've stopped and well, I've been sober for a week now and it's killing me. I feel so empty without it but I'm going to TRY to stay sober because my friend told me to :) He even asked me to start blogging as an escape and you know what? I think it's actually working.

Horny much?

Let's face it, we're all a bunch of animals. We all have sexual desires and needs but sometimes it just goes too far. I mean...having to go through human trafficking and prostitution just to get LAID. Seriously, people need to learn some fucking self control or I don't know..if you're too laid (ugly in French) to GET laid, there's always porn.

Plus I'm surrounded by the horniest people alive. Teenagers. God, our raging hormones make us WILD and just plain sex driven. I mean I've been part of it. As for guys, it's like all the blood needed to support the brain just went straight down to their dicks. That's what they use to think nowadays. As for girls, we're either whores or sex toys. Take your pick.

Even in the fucking newspapers, there's always SOMETHING bout sex. It's insane. I mean that whole photo scandal with these Hong Kong stars. Do you REALLY need to take pictures while you're at it? Or even this supposedly illegal sex party held in downtown KL. Who knew there were such things as sex parties where we pay to party like rock stars with the booze, drugs and getting laid all in one night.

What about porn? Or even sex toys like those inflatable dolls? Or those dildos? Playboy? We humans, are so fucking horny that we're no better than animals...we're worse. Animals fuck to keep their species alive, we do it out of pleasure. So my point exactly, horny much?

Just When You Thought It Was Over

Sometimes, people don't let you move on. Sometimes, people would rather stick to the past because they're scared of the future. Sometimes... it's all we got left.

Sometimes you think: problems solved, no worries. The next thing you know, it's not. People cling onto what they think is the utmost importance. They allow themselves to be so caught up in the past that the present and the future are meaningless.

It's as if, you have control over time. You are able to rewind and replay the specific memories over and over again. The mental pictures blurring everything in the present; a veil. Some memories are so vivid, some are vague.

I keep finding myself reliving the past. Getting caught up. Getting stuck. It hurts so much, it just breaks me down. It's when I close my eyes, I relive everything all over again. It's not even a dream. It's a fucking nightmare that I can't erase and when I wake up, the images still sear my brain and have left its mark.

I try my best to keep it bottled up inside but I couldn't handle it and when I poured everything out...it made me feel better for only a short amount of time and I would relapse back. I even try to keep myself occupied with other people's problems to delude myself from my own. I deny myself that I DO have a problem and is ashamed of seeking help. I feel as if I've put this misery upon myself, that I should suffer the consequences. No one is to blame for how I've reacted, for how I feel, for how I am.

I feel lost. I feel upset. I feel as if there is no hope. I never allow others to see me for who I really am. I never have. There was always this mask, this protective layer that allowed me to lie through my teeth to allow others to believe that I was alright, that I was happy. I even have friends who find out for themselves that I'm not truly this bubbly facade that I play but one who is a recluse. Don't get me wrong, I am usually very happy when I'm around the people I love...it's just I guess growing up the way I have, I don't know how to be honest about my feelings.

I'm not very open to those amongst me, I allow them in my life but I still place a certain barrier. I hate that about myself. This goes back about reliving the past.

When I'm alone with nothing but spare time, I waste it all on the past. It's an outlet that I go back to, to wonder what I did wrong, what the fuck happened?! and what didn't occur. Of course it's stupid. It's a waste of my fucking time but the future hasn't arrived and the present seems to have no purpose.

I know what's past has past and it's about time to move on from everything. From whatever that has haunted me throughout the 16 years of my sad pathetic life and start living in the present. It's so easy to say so but so hard to do but I will try my very best to do what I think will improve me as a person and allow happiness back into my life.