Fake.

It's ironic how many times I keep telling myself to be optimistic and not truly believing it. I tell people the same shit and they're able to change their views. I guess their problems aren't as big or of much importance.

I've had my heart honestly mutilated with lies, with hurtful words, with truths and with reality. It's been too much to deal at times and sometimes I wish you could just stop everything. Just freeze everything in place and to walk away. Just walk away.

People don't understand that in life, we all have choices. These choices are ones that we make on our own and we should understand the consequences that are placed upon them. I hate how my life was created and that I am the product of sin. I have to suffer other people's choices and the consequences.

I am torn apart in so many ways. Mentally, I am completely drained and I wonder how is it still possible that I'm in denial. I mean, honestly I question my mental health alot. I find it beyond hard to concentrate on anything else. It's as if the heart is connected to the brain in some weird way. It's as if when the heart is hurting the brain is unable to function completely alright.

I have my own mother trying to reach out to me but I find it impossible to communicate in any sense. It's whatever I express, the pain I feel, the confusion, the hate is put down and set aside, and she still wonders why I don't want to share anything with her. It's because there's no point when she doesn't understand and is unable to wake up from denial.

For those who actually read what I'm writing you would see recurring themes of lies, denial, pain...yeah. About that. These words sum up the life I live and it's a very delicate lifestyle. I guess you have to understand the way I've been brought up, made me who I am today, the Pretender.