tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13212702801777694482024-03-14T01:33:09.020-07:00Welcome to Fucking RealityNina G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03519768983288444677noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1321270280177769448.post-59981153623756518182009-05-06T06:44:00.000-07:002009-05-06T07:11:52.192-07:00Multiple Choice.<span style="font-family:courier new;color:#ffcc33;">In life, we make choices. With choices there are always consequences and with that we have to ask ourselves is it all really worth it?</span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#ffcc33;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#ffcc33;">There isn't a god damn instructions manual for life and basically it's all trial and error but sometimes our trial ends up being an error. </span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#ffcc33;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#ffcc33;">Sometimes, life throws us many paths to take and we're overwhelmed with all the opportunities. There's path A, path B, path C and the list goes on but you're only able to pick one at a time. The scary part about it, is that we never know what's at the end of that road and we just hope that everything will turn out alright. I'm not going to lie, I'm fucking scared too. I mean, I don't want to live with something that I regret choosing or regret NOT choosing. </span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#ffcc33;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#ffcc33;">I know, life does NOT work out that way and there's no possible way to see what's at the other end. I guess we just have to take a leap of faith and go for it. It doesn't matter what "it" is because in the end the most important thing is to remember that we only live once. We only get one chance and that doesn't mean we have to make it right. It means we have to make sure it's an experience. That's what life's all about, experience. Since there are no guidelines on how people should live life, we shouldn't deprive ourselves from opportunities but to create them in order to get the most out of it. </span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#ffcc33;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#ffcc33;">Right now, I think that there's too many things to be happy about in life to be upset, angry, depressed or anything with a negative outcome. Whatever it is that makes you feel as such, just let it go. Fucking let go. You won't be able to get back any loss time you wasted on negativity. </span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#ffcc33;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#ffcc33;">I for one, should know that I should ACTUALLY listen and apply my own fucking advice. I've lived my life with just being cynical and negative about life and everything about it but now, I suppose I have broaden my horizon. I see things in a much bigger perspective and in that light you are able to recognize that we have the ability to choose, the ability to act and the ability to reflect our choices and actions. </span>Nina G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03519768983288444677noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1321270280177769448.post-65002551523868176432009-04-28T09:01:00.000-07:002009-04-28T09:20:32.203-07:00Ugh, now what?<span style="font-family: courier new; color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">Lately, I've been feeling so pressured on performing at my best and yet I'm not capable of showing any great performance. My grades have gone from good to depressing and that has made me even less motivated of continuing. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: courier new; color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">I honestly don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore. It's like the future is SO uncertain and I can't even fucking choose to do the full </span><span style="font-family: courier new; color: rgb(255, 255, 255);" class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">IB</span><span style="font-family: courier new; color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"> diploma or to do certificates or NOT even do them. I'm so stressed out. It's so gay.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: courier new; color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">I just had a mini breakdown, talking about my future with my mother. It's beyond depressing to acknowledge the fact that I do not have a specific talent that makes me stand out as an individual in this vast world. It's like, I'm dead space and I don't know what to do! I want to </span><span style="font-family: courier new; color: rgb(255, 255, 255);" class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">achieve</span><span style="font-family: courier new; color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"> something in my life but...I don't know what it is and how to get there.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: courier new; color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">I feel like a complete failure in so many ways that I wonder why I'm here. There was this stupid proverb that said "everyone has a reason on this earth". Well, I don't seem to find myself having a god damn reason to be here. It's not like I'm providing this Earth any good, I'm just consuming and excreting. That's it. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: courier new; color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">My mother has no idea what to do with me. I'm beyond indecisive in life that, she just can't stand it and she wonders what happened to me. I'm wondering as well! I mean...the reason why I'm trying my hardest isn't because I really care about my grades or school. It's because I want to make my parents proud and it's so hard when you're good at nothing. It's heartbreaking as a parent to see your child not succeed in anything or not have a special spark within them. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: courier new; color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">To this day, I am able to say I am successful in nothing. It's like having a big fat label on my forehead saying "A </span><span style="font-family: courier new; color: rgb(255, 255, 255);" class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Disappointment</span><span style="font-family: courier new; color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">. It's like my parents don't see any hope in me succeeding in anything because I've shown nothing extraordinary or even a talent worth expanding. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: courier new; color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">As I sit here crying, it really hurts wondering why can't I make them proud? I've been trying my best to get good grades because it's really hard for a stupid person. It's like I KNOW what i'm capable of and it's not much. I know that for a fact. I AM a failure. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: courier new; color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">My mother asked me to think carefully about my future and if I find school a waste of time I should just drop out. To be REALLY honest I don't want to but it's so tempting to choose the easy way out of life. There are always choices in life and there is no guarantee that the choice that you choose is the right one. And I'm just fucking scared to even choose.</span>Nina G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03519768983288444677noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1321270280177769448.post-38019167523510327932009-04-14T05:27:00.000-07:002009-04-14T05:44:34.535-07:00Thx<span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 255);font-family:courier new;" >Thank You</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 255);font-family:courier new;" >Merci</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 255);font-family:courier new;" >Terima Kasih</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 255);font-family:courier new;" >Danke</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 255);font-family:courier new;" >Nandri</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 255);font-family:courier new;" >Arigato</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 255);font-family:courier new;" >Xie Xie</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255);font-family:courier new;" >I am thankful for alot of things. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255);font-family:courier new;" >I thank everyone who has touched my life significantly and those who welcome me into theirs</span><span style="font-family:courier new;">. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);font-family:courier new;" >I am thankful for having amazing parents who may have their traits but portray their unconditional love towards me. I have never appreciated them fully and I regret not doing so but as of now, I am trying to make up for lost time and memories. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 51, 204);font-family:courier new;" >I am thankful for having friends who have supported me throughout everything that has happened and these wonderful people are the reason why I wake up in the morning and enjoy going to school. These people put a smile on my face and touch my heart with their overflowing love. Most people think of friends and just benefits. I think of these people as the family that I had the opportunity to choose.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);font-family:courier new;" >I am thankful that I am given so many opportunities in life. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 0);font-family:courier new;" >I am thankful that I have a roof over my head, food on the table, clothes on my back and an education. I suppose not many people really think about these things but I have broaden my spectrum on life and alot of things that made me upset are minuscule compared to the rest of the world.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);font-family:courier new;" >I am thankful for finally realizing that there are many opportunities for friendships, love and happiness that I can wake up everyday knowing that today will be better than yesterday. That tomorrow will be EVEN better. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);font-family:courier new;" >I am thankful of choosing to stay alive. Without this, I guess I would never find out what's in store and not even have the choice of coming back.</span>Nina G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03519768983288444677noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1321270280177769448.post-79676880324696965742009-04-14T05:08:00.001-07:002009-04-14T05:25:42.870-07:00It's coming to an end...fast.<span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 0); font-family: courier new;">Who would've thought that a school year could pass by so quickly. There's 180 days in a school year and within those days, we gain knowledge, love, heartbreak, friends, enemies, sins, happiness and sadness. Most of all, we gain ourselves. As we grow older we tend to look ahead of the dark, unplanned future. We wonder what's in store and what we have left behind. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 255); font-family: courier new;">I have gained so many memories within this year. Some are good, some are bad and yet these mini movies will stay with me. These clips of my life will replay but with different faces and a different surrounding. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255); font-family: courier new;">I have matured in a sense that I understand that there are no such thing as a bad experience but a learning one. I take everything in consideration and as a whole, everything that happened has made me stronger.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255); font-family: courier new;">I understand that there is NO point to dwell in the past and the what ifs.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255); font-family: courier new;">I understand that life is not fair but we have to work with what we have.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255); font-family: courier new;">I understand that whatever happens in this very moment will not matter in a few years.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255); font-family: courier new;">I understand that when I'm older I will look back and wonder.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255); font-family: courier new;">I understand that without my parents, my family, my friends I would be nothing.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255); font-family: courier new;">I understand that being self-centered and self proclaimed just gains you enemies.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255); font-family: courier new;">I understand that emotions change easily, like the fucking Malaysian weather.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255); font-family: courier new;">I understand that no matter what, I will not put anyone before myself. </span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255); font-family: courier new;">I understand that life has just begun and nothing is the end. It's always a start of a new beginning.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255); font-family: courier new;">I understand that I have to love and take care of myself before others. </span><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-family: courier new;">I finally understand you're not worth it. I'll be the best you'll ever have and you'll be my worst.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-family: courier new;">I finally understand myself.</span>Nina G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03519768983288444677noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1321270280177769448.post-56450654739647513522009-04-13T08:35:00.000-07:002009-04-13T08:39:42.776-07:00Hm.<span style="color:#33ff33;"><span style="font-family:courier new;">I forgot what it's like to be happy, </span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;">materials don't make up for its loss,</span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;">and it's just making me feel crappy</span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;">for everyone else bares the cost.</span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;">Why do I allow to let things go,</span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;">to give up and drop?</span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;">Rather than picking up, like so?</span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;">I'm now at the bottom when I used to be at the top.</span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;">Sooner or later,</span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;">I can be able to say</span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;">"Fuck all you haters" </span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;">and have a smile on my face. Yay.</span></span>Nina G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03519768983288444677noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1321270280177769448.post-1588454938505748202009-04-13T07:13:00.000-07:002009-04-13T08:04:35.725-07:00Haute Couture <3<span style="font-family:courier new;color:#ffffff;">Recently, I have found myself relevating of good news. A part of me is detaching, a part that has hurt me to the extent of a broken facade. </span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#ffffff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#ffffff;">I can't say that I'm the same person as I was before. I have changed in so many discrete ways that as a whole, I am someone new. Like an old car with the same old structure but with new parts. Or even like an old house repainted. It's just that I have to rebuild the facade that I have tried too hard to attain. </span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ffffff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ffffff;">Sometimes, I wonder why I try so hard to keep it all up but it is definitely for the best. Another thing that I found very interesting is how people always look at the exterior then the interior.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ffffff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ffffff;">We live in such a superficial world that depth has become something of the unknown. We all know it's fact. We analyze, critisize, and judge people's appearances. It has become an obsession of the media and has allowed a huge gap that is filled with people of low self esteem. Where do these people belong in such a world? What about those who do not fit the generic category of beauty?</span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ffffff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ffffff;">I don't have peer pressure on the way I look, personally, I kind of accepted the fact that I'm not drop dead gorgeous. I have a mother who is trying to MOLD me into one of those plastic dolls. It's a sweet thought but that just means I'm giving in to society. I want to be different, unique but unfortunately that doesn't work. Being different is known as obscene and a disgrace to society. </span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ffffff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ffffff;">The definition of beauty is tall, skinny, and having flawless skin but what is your own definition of beauty?</span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ffffff;">My definition of beauty has nothing to do with the outlook for it's just the frame of holding something beautiful that's inside. Beauty should be defined as something done out of the goodness of someone's heart.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ffffff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ffffff;">But for now, let us enjoy designer clothes, make up, plastic surgery and stick skinny models :)</span>Nina G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03519768983288444677noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1321270280177769448.post-78227399025385864602009-04-10T04:30:00.000-07:002009-04-10T04:47:56.394-07:00Maybelline<span style="font-family: courier new; color: rgb(51, 204, 255);"> Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Maybelline</span>. What a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">tagline</span>, I must say. The way I interpret this <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">tagline</span> would be a girl having self confidence but of course not everyone is BORN with it, some of us have to hone this skill.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: courier new;"> <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);"> This means that "</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);" class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Maybelline</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">" is this sort of abstract force that is created for girls to not hide behind but to utilize in order to create this aura of self confidence. This </span><span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);" class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Maybelline</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);"> could be makeup (duh), a skill/talent, or even it could represent friends and family support. We all need support in order to keep ourselves in check. We need a strong base to stay up and with it we are able to carry ourselves with poise and grace. </span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: courier new;"> <span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 0);">Self confidence doesn't mean someone has to be aloof but it means that you understand that you don't necessarily need to feel accepted or loved by the society, but the fact that you are able to love yourself. That is something that </span><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 0);" class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">alot</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 0);"> of girls aren't able to comprehend for we all fear rejection. Maybe it's time to step up, maybe it's time for </span><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 0);" class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Maybelline</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 0);">. </span></span>Nina G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03519768983288444677noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1321270280177769448.post-92030009839482906972009-03-31T04:19:00.000-07:002009-03-31T04:56:35.879-07:00So What We Gonna Have- Dessert or Disaster?<span style="font-family: courier new; color: rgb(255, 153, 0);"> I believe that we all gotta put the brakes on these so called romances, flings, hook ups or things we call love. Do we even really know what these things really are? I mean, to what extent is the definition of love understood or practiced. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: courier new;"> <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 255);"> I've seen many heartless people who are able to hurt without conscience and continue doing so or even those who love to play with hearts. We over abuse the term love as a word to express any form of like. But are you sure that's what you're really trying to convey? We sometimes confuse love with lust or maybe...love IS lust in denial. </span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: courier new;"> <span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 255);"> I'm sick of having to see something that's supposed to be one of the best things humans have created as something two dimensional or even technologically based. How is that love? How is that caring? How is something plastic and superficial able to convey true expressions from the heart? Or maybe that's just the generation we live in today.</span><br /><br /> <span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">We live in times where emotions can be conveyed in many ways without us communicating it personally. Or the way we convey words nowadays are so intricate with emotions laying upon one another to cover up the true meaning. We even say things nowadays without meaning them. Like I said, words have honestly lost their meaning. </span><br /><br /> <span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);"> I am able to express my feelings with even abbreviations. I mean do people really "LOL" when they type it? No, of course not. Do we really "LMAO"? In your world, maybe.</span><br /><br /> <span style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">I hate how technology has even advanced and quickened communication. What about this for a scenario: Girl tells guy she likes him. He texts back 2 seconds later saying no. And these are just little words on a screen and yet they have more of an impact than having this conversation in person because you aren't able to see the reaction of the other person and you're left with speculation and false conclusions.</span><br /><br /> <span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">Y'all just gotta understand that, if you really wanna express what you want do it face to face. Trust me, it's a fuckload better than some shit that's written on a screen</span><br /></span>Nina G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03519768983288444677noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1321270280177769448.post-41323682865721713042009-03-28T08:37:00.000-07:002009-03-28T08:40:46.119-07:00:D WOOO<span style="font-family: courier new; color: rgb(255, 204, 51);">Just wanted to wish my beloved cousin a HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY! :D </span><br /><span style="font-family: courier new; color: rgb(255, 204, 51);">She's so fucking amazing in every way and I know that her future will be bright and filled with alot of happy moments. I love you WKT <3</span>Nina G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03519768983288444677noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1321270280177769448.post-8074154864493120542009-03-22T05:57:00.000-07:002009-03-22T06:21:33.905-07:00Hurting in Silence<span style="font-family: courier new;">Emotions are kept hidden,</span><br /><span style="font-family: courier new;">but not in the eyes,</span><br /><span style="font-family: courier new;">I've never truly looked,</span><br /><span style="font-family: courier new;">happy.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: courier new;">My parents are in denial,</span><br /><span style="font-family: courier new;">I am in denial,</span><br /><span style="font-family: courier new;">I wonder what's wrong.</span><br /><span style="font-family: courier new;">Why do we play happy family?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: courier new;">I don't know how to stop pretending</span><br /><span style="font-family: courier new;">I don't know what's right from wrong.</span><br /><span style="font-family: courier new;">Lies, truths, they're all words.</span><br /><span style="font-family: courier new;">Pitiful, meaningless words.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: courier new;">Everything has lost its meaning.</span><br /><span style="font-family: courier new;">I hate who I am.</span><br /><span style="font-family: courier new;">I hate that I don't believe.</span><br /><span style="font-family: courier new;">I hate that I'm living this way.</span>Nina G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03519768983288444677noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1321270280177769448.post-39419149195617161412009-03-22T04:29:00.000-07:002009-03-22T05:39:52.798-07:00Fake.<span style="font-family: courier new;">It's ironic how many times I keep telling myself to be optimistic and not truly believing it. I tell people the same shit and they're able to change their views. I guess their problems aren't as big or of much importance.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: courier new;"> I've had my heart honestly mutilated with lies, with hurtful words, with truths and with reality. It's been too much to deal at times and sometimes I wish you could just stop everything. Just freeze everything in place and to walk away. Just walk away.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: courier new;"> People don't understand that in life, we all have choices. These choices are ones that we make on our own and we should understand the consequences that are placed upon them. I hate how my life was created and that I am the product of sin. I have to suffer other people's choices and the consequences.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: courier new;"> I am torn apart in so many ways. Mentally, I am completely drained and I wonder how is it still possible that I'm in denial. I mean, honestly I question my mental health alot. I find it beyond hard to concentrate on anything else. It's as if the heart is connected to the brain in some weird way. It's as if when the heart is hurting the brain is unable to function completely alright.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: courier new;"> I have my own mother trying to reach out to me but I find it impossible to communicate in any sense. It's whatever I express, the pain I feel, the confusion, the hate is put down and set aside, and she still wonders why I don't want to share anything with her. It's because there's no point when she doesn't understand and is unable to wake up from denial.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: courier new;"> For those who actually read what I'm writing you would see recurring themes of lies, denial, pain...yeah. About that. These words sum up the life I live and it's a very delicate lifestyle. I guess you have to understand the way I've been brought up, made me who I am today, the Pretender.</span>Nina G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03519768983288444677noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1321270280177769448.post-45417491670534959872009-03-16T06:42:00.000-07:002009-03-17T08:42:01.226-07:00Band-Aid.<span style="font-family: courier new; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> Too bad they don't invent band-aids for broken hearts, broken homes, or broken people. Nothing to protect the broken from more pain. Band aids serve as a protective barrier but just non permanent. It's supposed help until the wound is ready to heal by itself.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: courier new; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> I guess pain was invented to acknowledge the strong from the weak. It allows people to grow or it allows people to fall. I'm one of those who are falling. I keep telling myself that I'm better than this. What the hell is wrong? What's wrong? I'll tell you what's fucking wrong. LIFE'S FUCKING WITH ME. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: courier new; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Everytime I try to get my shit together something worse always occurs. It's as if there's a never ending cycle of crap going on in my life. I adore those who have simple, happy lives where living is out of purpose and not as a chore. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: courier new; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Sometimes I wonder...what am I doing here? I mean life ain't that great at this point so why bother carrying on? Sure, I've seeked help, talked to people, read those gay shit psychology books and I'm still not alright. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: courier new; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">I'm just broken beyond repair but repackaged into something plastic to keep it all together. This exterior i guess was SUPPOSED to be made to last but somehow, it had a crack. I tried to place a band aid to cover up the crack. Guess that didn't work.</span>Nina G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03519768983288444677noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1321270280177769448.post-6003708188554181442009-03-16T05:42:00.000-07:002009-03-16T06:11:43.144-07:00Words That Have Lost Their Meaning.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizDOD6010_my7ePR_vZgFVngQUdEaTGxl_5j8uW-rSUWjDZ4DOEFOySHYnprYK6XSK7ftmDBr9cfyq-pGlQYlAKrOMnjttJd9GSkgCBHxi6O2-07o1pjSdzMpsbkZKXMsD4qAhERoUQRY/s1600-h/you_won__t_shut_me_up_by_saturdayx.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 226px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizDOD6010_my7ePR_vZgFVngQUdEaTGxl_5j8uW-rSUWjDZ4DOEFOySHYnprYK6XSK7ftmDBr9cfyq-pGlQYlAKrOMnjttJd9GSkgCBHxi6O2-07o1pjSdzMpsbkZKXMsD4qAhERoUQRY/s320/you_won__t_shut_me_up_by_saturdayx.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5313772134243315778" border="0" /></a><br /> <span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);font-family:courier new;" >Don't say something that you know you don't mean. Don't promise something that you know will never happen. Don't think that people won't be affected by your words. Because they are. </span> <span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);font-family:courier new;" > People would trust and believe, it's one of our components I suppose...but once you start believing in the lies, truth becomes meaningless and from there on you're confused on what's true and what's not. </span> <span style="font-family:courier new;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);"> To this day, I don't even know for sure what I feel is true, what I think is right or even the things that I believe are worth believing in. I HATE people who just blatantly say things without thinking. They don't understand what words can do. I mean ever heard of verbal abuse? It's another fucking form of bullying. I mean...I was part of it once in my life and trust me I do NOT want to be part of it ever again. </span><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:courier new;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255);">Another thing that I don't understand, is the over usage of the words "I love you". I mean the more you say it, the more it loses its meaning. I mean there's not POINT in saying those words when you don't mean it. Plus for those hearing those 3 words, they would believe in it because it's one of the most simplest yet most affective sentence in the human language. It expresses an emotion being passed on from one person to another and to me, that's a fuck load.So stop saying it if you don't fucking mean it!</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"> I mean look at politicians nowadays promising shit to the people, just make sure you carry through with your promises. If not, then there was no point in saying them in the beginning. Personally, I've had so many promises made to me that have been broken. I actually believed in these promises, wishing they would come true. Instead I had to find out the hard way that they were just lies and a god damn facade.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 51, 204);"> I hope people would just understand that words can affect someone gravely. In order to stop unnecessary pain, just stop and think before you say something because once they leave your lips there's no way on getting them back.</span><br /></span>Nina G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03519768983288444677noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1321270280177769448.post-77845398495895469372009-03-15T04:52:00.000-07:002009-03-15T04:56:56.398-07:00Some-thing that I call a Poem.<span style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255); font-family: courier new;font-family:courier new;" >Man, this was a poem I wrote when I was drunk and emo...and amazingly I like it. I think it's one of those poems that have such a deep meaning but are put in very simple words...Anyhoo, enjoy.</span><br /><br /> <p style="color: rgb(51, 255, 255); font-family: courier new;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="">I fell on my knees,<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(51, 255, 255); font-family: courier new;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="">Crying over you,<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(51, 255, 255); font-family: courier new;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="">But all you did was flee.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(51, 255, 255); font-family: courier new;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="">And now I see what’s <span style=""> </span>true.</span></p><p style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255); font-family: courier new;" class="MsoNormal"><br /><span style=""><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255); font-family: courier new;" class="MsoNormal"><span style=""><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255); font-family: courier new;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="">I see those who love me,<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255); font-family: courier new;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="">I see those who care,<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255); font-family: courier new;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="">I see those who want me free,<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255); font-family: courier new;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="">And get rid of this sick love affair.</span></p><p style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255); font-family: courier new;" class="MsoNormal"><br /><span style=""> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255); font-family: courier new;" class="MsoNormal"><span style=""><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255); font-family: courier new;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="">I told myself to give me time.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255); font-family: courier new;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="">I told myself to heal.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255); font-family: courier new;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="">I told myself that it’s not a crime<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255); font-family: courier new;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="">To lie about how you truly feel.</span></p><p style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255); font-family: courier new;" class="MsoNormal"><br /><span style=""><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255); font-family: courier new;" class="MsoNormal"><span style=""><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204); font-family: courier new;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="">The pain increases day by day<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204); font-family: courier new;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="">But I don’t let it show on my face<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204); font-family: courier new;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="">For I put on a mask, a show, a play,<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204); font-family: courier new;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="">To conceal this painful phase.</span></p><p style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255); font-family: courier new;" class="MsoNormal"><br /><span style=""> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255); font-family: courier new;" class="MsoNormal"><span style=""><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(204, 51, 204); font-family: courier new;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="">It’s amazing what one person can do.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(204, 51, 204); font-family: courier new;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="">The one who you love,<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(204, 51, 204); font-family: courier new;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="">Is able to crush you, burn you, and leave you.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(204, 51, 204); font-family: courier new;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="">That’s the one you love.</span></p><p style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255); font-family: courier new;" class="MsoNormal"><br /><span style=""><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255); font-family: courier new;" class="MsoNormal"><span style=""><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(255, 153, 255); font-family: courier new;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="">Time is the greatest healer.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(255, 153, 255); font-family: courier new;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="">That’s what my dad said.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(255, 153, 255); font-family: courier new;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="">Then why does it seem like forever.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255); font-family: courier new;" class="MsoNormal"><span style=""><span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 255);">And that I’ve lost my head?</span><o:p></o:p></span></p>Nina G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03519768983288444677noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1321270280177769448.post-58937236472638288032009-03-15T04:36:00.000-07:002009-03-15T04:50:55.784-07:00Future Planning.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeaAFqakQZGvBv6ywk2M-_RCKiwdt7hFRrpReutyPfg8RgUB1JYXn-C-0oLCY29OOnV7CbLW-X851yplwhv-V8lXTgCByxhPjT6yWzBMrrn390TW8A5e_5nMRJR_kedoWi8UpqO00dNhI/s1600-h/Result_of_STRESS_by_CLEMZ.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 300px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeaAFqakQZGvBv6ywk2M-_RCKiwdt7hFRrpReutyPfg8RgUB1JYXn-C-0oLCY29OOnV7CbLW-X851yplwhv-V8lXTgCByxhPjT6yWzBMrrn390TW8A5e_5nMRJR_kedoWi8UpqO00dNhI/s320/Result_of_STRESS_by_CLEMZ.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5313380291845133602" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 51, 204);font-family:courier new;" > When did it ever become such a hassle? I mean honestly, when did high school become so stressful? Most of us are working our asses off just to get a decent application for a university. It's insane. Some are over the top! They join clubs, sports, community services and maintain a GPA of 4.0 and have no time to just relax.<br /><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(204, 51, 204);font-family:courier new;" > <span style="color: rgb(102, 51, 255);"> What happened to learning to enlighten oneself? Or just out of enjoyment of a subject? It's just become this competition where we're all fighting one another...and the sad part is, is that it's the first stepping stone of our life path. I mean, after acceptance we can all take a breather and just chill. </span></span> <span style="color: rgb(204, 51, 204);font-family:courier new;" ><span style="color: rgb(102, 51, 255);"> But for now, there's everyone telling you to get more involved, to study harder, to spend less time doing useless things (for eg. computer games, movies, hanging out with friends). We're only human, and more specifically, teenagers! How do you expect us to handle all of it? We need a fricking BALANCE! </span><br /><br /> <span style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);">Personally, I have such BAD time management...and I should honestly learn how to prioritize and stick with the bloody program. </span></span> <span style="color: rgb(204, 51, 204);font-family:courier new;" ><span style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);"> Thank goodness, sophomore year is coming to an end. I hate it, and want it to be OVER!</span> </span>Nina G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03519768983288444677noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1321270280177769448.post-70465460698196882642009-03-15T03:36:00.000-07:002009-03-15T03:49:39.044-07:00I'm sick of...<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-family: courier new;">1) Fake people, we already created plastic.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0); font-family: courier new;">2) Annoying people, who seriously need to get a fucking clue.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 102); font-family: courier new;">3) Self centered people, i mean seriously the world doesn't revolve around you. Live with it.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 51); font-family: courier new;">4) Jerks. Get some god damn people skills. No one wants to deal with one.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 255, 51); font-family: courier new;">5) Spoiled brats. You have everything you could possibly want and you're still not happy? Well you better fucking appreciate it because there are others who would kill to be in your place.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0); font-family: courier new;">6) Liars. Don't your remember that story, "The Boy Who Cried Wolf?"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 255); font-family: courier new;">7) Gossip. It's so sad that you have to talk about other people because your life is THAT uninteresting. </span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255); font-family: courier new;">8) Egoistic airheads. I'm sorry to pop your happy bubble but welcome to fucking reality. There's always someone better out there.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255); font-family: courier new;">9) Snobs. I don't give a shit if you wear Gucci or Prada, we're all gonna end up the same anyways; dead.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204); font-family: courier new;">10) Racists. What the fuck is WRONG with you? If you hate colour so much, just turn colour blind or something. </span>Nina G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03519768983288444677noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1321270280177769448.post-81136727012102085542009-03-15T03:23:00.000-07:002009-03-15T03:34:47.418-07:00Rejection, Denied, No Go.<span style="font-family: courier new; color: rgb(255, 102, 0);"> I'm sorry [insert name]...I just don't feel the same way. Or I'm not ready. Or let's just be friends. Sound familiar? Say hello to rejection. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: courier new; color: rgb(255, 102, 0);"> Don't worry, we'll all go through it at least once in our lives so don't feel bad or pine over it. Just chillax and imagine...it could've been worse. I mean you were brave enough to pop the question or even mention it. Or even if you just declared your affection, that's already a huge achievement.<br /> <br /> I mean, I'm such a big chicken. I usually just keep all my emotions to myself so basically, it's hard for you to read me. I mean you took the risk, a chance to see if there was a possibility of something happening. Be happy, because now you don't have to live off "what ifs".<br /><br /> Rejection? Nah, more like an opportunity to score another. :)<br /></span>Nina G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03519768983288444677noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1321270280177769448.post-28974114859494734612009-03-15T03:09:00.000-07:002009-03-15T03:22:39.065-07:00Sweet Nightmares.<span style="font-family: courier new; color: rgb(51, 204, 255);"> What the fuck is wrong with me? What happened to moving on? To get a life? To stop being emo? I hate dreams. Actually, they aren't EVEN dreams. They're god damn nightmares that need to be erased. They hurt so much because they feel so real and when I wake up, I then only realize that it was just another nightmare. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: courier new; color: rgb(51, 204, 255);"> I wish they invented something to brainwash you...or just delete something from your memory, like tearing a piece of paper out of the book. You just continue reading without knowing what happened. </span><span style="font-family: courier new;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 255);">It's even worse for it robs me from my sleep, from my happiness and from moving on.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 255);"> So basically, fuck my dreams. </span><br /></span>Nina G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03519768983288444677noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1321270280177769448.post-58938437284789736142009-03-12T07:45:00.000-07:002009-03-12T09:18:34.668-07:00Love. Fact or Myth<a style="font-family: courier new; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgj2YKcAhyhVCg9t_0Mgk2FwDUmSPKWMljyGxRvdOO9-E88YOIF6KR7QlXFiQJIzjdX8SIU64kvccPe73ArbOFVbybet5Tc4F2jqWyYdXm_brdZoz98SsoCYOHf9F1YPX19fiwfElhEJHA/s1600-h/The_Love_Omen_by_gilad.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 218px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgj2YKcAhyhVCg9t_0Mgk2FwDUmSPKWMljyGxRvdOO9-E88YOIF6KR7QlXFiQJIzjdX8SIU64kvccPe73ArbOFVbybet5Tc4F2jqWyYdXm_brdZoz98SsoCYOHf9F1YPX19fiwfElhEJHA/s320/The_Love_Omen_by_gilad.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5312335851077562530" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:courier new;" > Love defined in a dictionary: a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. A feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection. Sexual passion or desire.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);font-family:courier new;" > Three different ways to describe this thing, that all humans have endured throughout their time on Earth. Life began with love. It was a shared thought of two people, to bring in another life to this world. It was these two who believed in love. It was these two who made you believe in love.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:courier new;" > I personally believe there are many levels of love. There's the love of your friends. This love is strong and bonds people together who share the same emotions and interests. These people are the family that you were able to choose.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);font-family:courier new;" > Then there's the love of interest. This pure devotion of something, maybe you love singing, drawing, acting, swimming, you name it. It's something that you devote your life to but it's not necessarily a person. One thing for sure, this type of love doesn't abandon you, you abandon it. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:courier new;" > Then there's the love of of your parents. This probably would be the strongest bond in the world. It's what I call unconditional. These people would fucking die for you. I mean, come ON! They were the ones who gave life to you! They were the ones who have supported you, and trust me they do. Even if they don't love you the way you want them to, it doesn't mean they don't love you with all they've got. They might not understand you, they might not be who you would have imagined but they are yours to keep and yours to cherish.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);font-family:courier new;" > The other type of love is the one where you give your all to another person. This type of love is what catches everyone by surprise. It might take time for something to flourish or sometimes it just takes love at first sight. Cheesy as that may sound, it's what people believe in. It's when, you believe the other person makes you feel complete and allows you to be who you are and they accept you for that. They love you for your achievements. They love you for your flaws. Heck, they love everything and anything ABOUT you. This is what we all hope to achieve in our lifetime. Something so pure that life is worth living for. Imagine, to spend time with someone who makes you feel as if you ARE everything that you ARE worth it and that there's NOTHING else to compare you with. I personally, have only seen such things in movies. It's something we all dream about but it's so hard to obtain in reality.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:courier new;" > Personally, my outlook on love so far has been shit. I guess I've experienced all the wrong things and haven't had the opportunity to see the good. I so far, believe the strongest love I've felt have been from my parents. Even though we never EVER are on the same page on things, I know that they will always be there for me and love me for me.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);font-family:courier new;" > I've been duped in believing things, lived off lies and fed with insults. I've been treated with the same respect you give trash. Funny enough, I still thought at some point there was love. I guess it's true when people say love is blind. You deny yourself the flaws, you allow yourself to see what you want to, to hear what you want to and to believe in the lies. I was too scared to let go, i was too scared to stop. I hung on to something that had no true meaning and it affected me so deeply that I'm not the same person that I used to be.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:courier new;" > I would say I was broken to a million shattering pieces . I wouldn't say that I've healed. It's been so long now and I'm still not over it. Heck, it was my first "love" if that's what you wanna call it. Fuck. People say you'll always remember your first...and honestly I don't really want to. It gave me more pain than actual happiness. It's like that fucking Kelly Clarkson song, Because of You. Ugh.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 204);font-family:courier new;" > To ease all the pain, I've started to use alcohol as an escape. What's even more ironic is the fact that I've studied the affects of alcohol on a person and I still do it. I would drink day in and day out...it was such a nice feeling to be numb. It was like...nothing mattered and you could just chill, not worry. My parents realized I was drinking...they thought I've stopped and well, I've been sober for a week now and it's killing me. I feel so empty without it but I'm going to TRY to stay sober because my friend told me to :) He even asked me to start blogging as an escape and you know what? I think it's actually working.</span>Nina G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03519768983288444677noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1321270280177769448.post-75961150591749165292009-03-12T06:44:00.001-07:002009-03-12T07:05:13.826-07:00Horny much?<span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);font-family:courier new;" > Let's face it, we're all a bunch of animals. We all have sexual desires and needs but sometimes it just goes too far. I mean...having to go through human trafficking and prostitution just to get LAID. Seriously, people need to learn some fucking self control or I don't know..if you're too laid (ugly in French) to GET laid, there's always porn.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);font-family:courier new;" > Plus I'm surrounded by the horniest people alive. Teenagers. God, our raging hormones make us WILD and just plain sex driven. I mean I've been part of it. As for guys, it's like all the blood needed to support the brain just went straight down to their dicks. That's what they use to think nowadays. As for girls, we're either whores or sex toys. Take your pick. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);font-family:courier new;" > Even in the fucking newspapers, there's always SOMETHING bout sex. It's insane. I mean that whole photo scandal with these Hong Kong stars. Do you REALLY need to take pictures while you're at it? Or even this supposedly illegal sex party held in downtown KL. Who knew there were such things as sex parties where we pay to party like rock stars with the booze, drugs and getting laid all in one night. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);font-family:courier new;" > What about porn? Or even sex toys like those inflatable dolls? Or those dildos? Playboy? We humans, are so fucking horny that we're no better than animals...we're worse. Animals fuck to keep their species alive, we do it out of pleasure. So my point exactly, horny much?</span>Nina G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03519768983288444677noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1321270280177769448.post-1856207005914986212009-03-12T05:34:00.000-07:002009-03-12T06:18:54.679-07:00Just When You Thought It Was Over<span style="font-family: courier new;font-size:100%;" > <span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 0);">Sometimes, people don't let you move on. Sometimes, people would rather stick to the past because they're scared of the future. Sometimes... it's all we got left. </span><br /><br /> <span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 51);"> Sometimes you think: problems solved, no worries. The next thing you know, it's not. People cling onto what they think is the utmost importance. They allow themselves to be so caught up in the past that the present and the future are meaningless. </span><br /><br /> <span style="color: rgb(51, 255, 51);"> It's as if, you have control over time. You are able to rewind and replay the specific memories over and over again. The mental pictures blurring everything in the present; a veil. Some memories are so vivid, some are vague. </span><br /><br /> <span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 255);">I keep finding myself reliving the past. Getting caught up. Getting stuck. It hurts so much, it just breaks me down. It's when I close my eyes, I relive everything all over again. It's not even a dream. It's a fucking nightmare that I can't erase and when I wake up, the images still sear my brain and have left its mark. </span><br /><br /> <span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 255);">I try my best to keep it bottled up inside but I couldn't handle it and when I poured everything out...it made me feel better for only a short amount of time and I would relapse back. I even try to keep myself occupied with other people's problems to delude myself from my own. I deny myself that I DO have a problem and is ashamed of seeking help. I feel as if I've put this misery upon myself, that I should suffer the consequences. No one is to blame for how I've reacted, for how I feel, for how I am. </span><br /><br /> <span style="color: rgb(102, 51, 255);">I feel lost. I feel upset. I feel as if there is no hope. I never allow others to see me for who I really am. I never have. There was always this mask, this protective layer that allowed me to lie through my teeth to allow others to believe that I was alright, that I was happy. I even have friends who find out for themselves that I'm not truly this bubbly facade that I play but one who is a recluse. Don't get me wrong, I am usually very happy when I'm around the people I love...it's just I guess growing up the way I have, I don't know how to be honest about my feelings.</span><br /><br /> <span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">I'm not very open to those amongst me, I allow them in my life but I still place a certain barrier. I hate that about myself. This goes back about reliving the past. </span><br /><br /> <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);"> When I'm alone with nothing but spare time, I waste it all on the past. It's an outlet that I go back to, to wonder what I did wrong, what the fuck happened?! and what didn't occur. Of course it's stupid. It's a waste of my fucking time but the future hasn't arrived and the present seems to have no purpose. </span><br /><br /> <span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 51);">I know what's past has past and it's about time to move on from everything. From whatever that has haunted me throughout the 16 years of my sad pathetic life and start living in the present. It's so easy to say so but so hard to do but I will try my very best to do what I think will improve me as a person and allow happiness back into my life. </span><br /><br /> <br /></span>Nina G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03519768983288444677noreply@blogger.com1