Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Multiple Choice.

In life, we make choices. With choices there are always consequences and with that we have to ask ourselves is it all really worth it?

There isn't a god damn instructions manual for life and basically it's all trial and error but sometimes our trial ends up being an error.

Sometimes, life throws us many paths to take and we're overwhelmed with all the opportunities. There's path A, path B, path C and the list goes on but you're only able to pick one at a time. The scary part about it, is that we never know what's at the end of that road and we just hope that everything will turn out alright. I'm not going to lie, I'm fucking scared too. I mean, I don't want to live with something that I regret choosing or regret NOT choosing.

I know, life does NOT work out that way and there's no possible way to see what's at the other end. I guess we just have to take a leap of faith and go for it. It doesn't matter what "it" is because in the end the most important thing is to remember that we only live once. We only get one chance and that doesn't mean we have to make it right. It means we have to make sure it's an experience. That's what life's all about, experience. Since there are no guidelines on how people should live life, we shouldn't deprive ourselves from opportunities but to create them in order to get the most out of it.

Right now, I think that there's too many things to be happy about in life to be upset, angry, depressed or anything with a negative outcome. Whatever it is that makes you feel as such, just let it go. Fucking let go. You won't be able to get back any loss time you wasted on negativity.

I for one, should know that I should ACTUALLY listen and apply my own fucking advice. I've lived my life with just being cynical and negative about life and everything about it but now, I suppose I have broaden my horizon. I see things in a much bigger perspective and in that light you are able to recognize that we have the ability to choose, the ability to act and the ability to reflect our choices and actions.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Ugh, now what?

Lately, I've been feeling so pressured on performing at my best and yet I'm not capable of showing any great performance. My grades have gone from good to depressing and that has made me even less motivated of continuing.

I honestly don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore. It's like the future is SO uncertain and I can't even fucking choose to do the full IB diploma or to do certificates or NOT even do them. I'm so stressed out. It's so gay.

I just had a mini breakdown, talking about my future with my mother. It's beyond depressing to acknowledge the fact that I do not have a specific talent that makes me stand out as an individual in this vast world. It's like, I'm dead space and I don't know what to do! I want to achieve something in my life but...I don't know what it is and how to get there.

I feel like a complete failure in so many ways that I wonder why I'm here. There was this stupid proverb that said "everyone has a reason on this earth". Well, I don't seem to find myself having a god damn reason to be here. It's not like I'm providing this Earth any good, I'm just consuming and excreting. That's it.

My mother has no idea what to do with me. I'm beyond indecisive in life that, she just can't stand it and she wonders what happened to me. I'm wondering as well! I mean...the reason why I'm trying my hardest isn't because I really care about my grades or school. It's because I want to make my parents proud and it's so hard when you're good at nothing. It's heartbreaking as a parent to see your child not succeed in anything or not have a special spark within them.

To this day, I am able to say I am successful in nothing. It's like having a big fat label on my forehead saying "A Disappointment. It's like my parents don't see any hope in me succeeding in anything because I've shown nothing extraordinary or even a talent worth expanding.

As I sit here crying, it really hurts wondering why can't I make them proud? I've been trying my best to get good grades because it's really hard for a stupid person. It's like I KNOW what i'm capable of and it's not much. I know that for a fact. I AM a failure.

My mother asked me to think carefully about my future and if I find school a waste of time I should just drop out. To be REALLY honest I don't want to but it's so tempting to choose the easy way out of life. There are always choices in life and there is no guarantee that the choice that you choose is the right one. And I'm just fucking scared to even choose.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009


Thank You
Terima Kasih
Xie Xie

I am thankful for alot of things.

I thank everyone who has touched my life significantly and those who welcome me into theirs.

I am thankful for having amazing parents who may have their traits but portray their unconditional love towards me. I have never appreciated them fully and I regret not doing so but as of now, I am trying to make up for lost time and memories.

I am thankful for having friends who have supported me throughout everything that has happened and these wonderful people are the reason why I wake up in the morning and enjoy going to school. These people put a smile on my face and touch my heart with their overflowing love. Most people think of friends and just benefits. I think of these people as the family that I had the opportunity to choose.

I am thankful that I am given so many opportunities in life.

I am thankful that I have a roof over my head, food on the table, clothes on my back and an education. I suppose not many people really think about these things but I have broaden my spectrum on life and alot of things that made me upset are minuscule compared to the rest of the world.

I am thankful for finally realizing that there are many opportunities for friendships, love and happiness that I can wake up everyday knowing that today will be better than yesterday. That tomorrow will be EVEN better.

I am thankful of choosing to stay alive. Without this, I guess I would never find out what's in store and not even have the choice of coming back.

It's coming to an

Who would've thought that a school year could pass by so quickly. There's 180 days in a school year and within those days, we gain knowledge, love, heartbreak, friends, enemies, sins, happiness and sadness. Most of all, we gain ourselves. As we grow older we tend to look ahead of the dark, unplanned future. We wonder what's in store and what we have left behind.

I have gained so many memories within this year. Some are good, some are bad and yet these mini movies will stay with me. These clips of my life will replay but with different faces and a different surrounding.

I have matured in a sense that I understand that there are no such thing as a bad experience but a learning one. I take everything in consideration and as a whole, everything that happened has made me stronger.
I understand that there is NO point to dwell in the past and the what ifs.
I understand that life is not fair but we have to work with what we have.
I understand that whatever happens in this very moment will not matter in a few years.
I understand that when I'm older I will look back and wonder.
I understand that without my parents, my family, my friends I would be nothing.
I understand that being self-centered and self proclaimed just gains you enemies.
I understand that emotions change easily, like the fucking Malaysian weather.
I understand that no matter what, I will not put anyone before myself.
I understand that life has just begun and nothing is the end. It's always a start of a new beginning.
I understand that I have to love and take care of myself before others.

I finally understand you're not worth it. I'll be the best you'll ever have and you'll be my worst.

I finally understand myself.

Monday, April 13, 2009


I forgot what it's like to be happy,
materials don't make up for its loss,
and it's just making me feel crappy
for everyone else bares the cost.

Why do I allow to let things go,
to give up and drop?
Rather than picking up, like so?
I'm now at the bottom when I used to be at the top.

Sooner or later,
I can be able to say
"Fuck all you haters"
and have a smile on my face. Yay.

Haute Couture <3

Recently, I have found myself relevating of good news. A part of me is detaching, a part that has hurt me to the extent of a broken facade.

I can't say that I'm the same person as I was before. I have changed in so many discrete ways that as a whole, I am someone new. Like an old car with the same old structure but with new parts. Or even like an old house repainted. It's just that I have to rebuild the facade that I have tried too hard to attain.

Sometimes, I wonder why I try so hard to keep it all up but it is definitely for the best. Another thing that I found very interesting is how people always look at the exterior then the interior.

We live in such a superficial world that depth has become something of the unknown. We all know it's fact. We analyze, critisize, and judge people's appearances. It has become an obsession of the media and has allowed a huge gap that is filled with people of low self esteem. Where do these people belong in such a world? What about those who do not fit the generic category of beauty?

I don't have peer pressure on the way I look, personally, I kind of accepted the fact that I'm not drop dead gorgeous. I have a mother who is trying to MOLD me into one of those plastic dolls. It's a sweet thought but that just means I'm giving in to society. I want to be different, unique but unfortunately that doesn't work. Being different is known as obscene and a disgrace to society.

The definition of beauty is tall, skinny, and having flawless skin but what is your own definition of beauty?
My definition of beauty has nothing to do with the outlook for it's just the frame of holding something beautiful that's inside. Beauty should be defined as something done out of the goodness of someone's heart.

But for now, let us enjoy designer clothes, make up, plastic surgery and stick skinny models :)

Friday, April 10, 2009


Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline. What a tagline, I must say. The way I interpret this tagline would be a girl having self confidence but of course not everyone is BORN with it, some of us have to hone this skill.

This means that "Maybelline" is this sort of abstract force that is created for girls to not hide behind but to utilize in order to create this aura of self confidence. This Maybelline could be makeup (duh), a skill/talent, or even it could represent friends and family support. We all need support in order to keep ourselves in check. We need a strong base to stay up and with it we are able to carry ourselves with poise and grace.

Self confidence doesn't mean someone has to be aloof but it means that you understand that you don't necessarily need to feel accepted or loved by the society, but the fact that you are able to love yourself. That is something that alot of girls aren't able to comprehend for we all fear rejection. Maybe it's time to step up, maybe it's time for Maybelline.