Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Ugh, now what?

Lately, I've been feeling so pressured on performing at my best and yet I'm not capable of showing any great performance. My grades have gone from good to depressing and that has made me even less motivated of continuing.

I honestly don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore. It's like the future is SO uncertain and I can't even fucking choose to do the full IB diploma or to do certificates or NOT even do them. I'm so stressed out. It's so gay.

I just had a mini breakdown, talking about my future with my mother. It's beyond depressing to acknowledge the fact that I do not have a specific talent that makes me stand out as an individual in this vast world. It's like, I'm dead space and I don't know what to do! I want to achieve something in my life but...I don't know what it is and how to get there.

I feel like a complete failure in so many ways that I wonder why I'm here. There was this stupid proverb that said "everyone has a reason on this earth". Well, I don't seem to find myself having a god damn reason to be here. It's not like I'm providing this Earth any good, I'm just consuming and excreting. That's it.

My mother has no idea what to do with me. I'm beyond indecisive in life that, she just can't stand it and she wonders what happened to me. I'm wondering as well! I mean...the reason why I'm trying my hardest isn't because I really care about my grades or school. It's because I want to make my parents proud and it's so hard when you're good at nothing. It's heartbreaking as a parent to see your child not succeed in anything or not have a special spark within them.

To this day, I am able to say I am successful in nothing. It's like having a big fat label on my forehead saying "A Disappointment. It's like my parents don't see any hope in me succeeding in anything because I've shown nothing extraordinary or even a talent worth expanding.

As I sit here crying, it really hurts wondering why can't I make them proud? I've been trying my best to get good grades because it's really hard for a stupid person. It's like I KNOW what i'm capable of and it's not much. I know that for a fact. I AM a failure.

My mother asked me to think carefully about my future and if I find school a waste of time I should just drop out. To be REALLY honest I don't want to but it's so tempting to choose the easy way out of life. There are always choices in life and there is no guarantee that the choice that you choose is the right one. And I'm just fucking scared to even choose.

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