Just When You Thought It Was Over

Sometimes, people don't let you move on. Sometimes, people would rather stick to the past because they're scared of the future. Sometimes... it's all we got left.

Sometimes you think: problems solved, no worries. The next thing you know, it's not. People cling onto what they think is the utmost importance. They allow themselves to be so caught up in the past that the present and the future are meaningless.

It's as if, you have control over time. You are able to rewind and replay the specific memories over and over again. The mental pictures blurring everything in the present; a veil. Some memories are so vivid, some are vague.

I keep finding myself reliving the past. Getting caught up. Getting stuck. It hurts so much, it just breaks me down. It's when I close my eyes, I relive everything all over again. It's not even a dream. It's a fucking nightmare that I can't erase and when I wake up, the images still sear my brain and have left its mark.

I try my best to keep it bottled up inside but I couldn't handle it and when I poured everything out...it made me feel better for only a short amount of time and I would relapse back. I even try to keep myself occupied with other people's problems to delude myself from my own. I deny myself that I DO have a problem and is ashamed of seeking help. I feel as if I've put this misery upon myself, that I should suffer the consequences. No one is to blame for how I've reacted, for how I feel, for how I am.

I feel lost. I feel upset. I feel as if there is no hope. I never allow others to see me for who I really am. I never have. There was always this mask, this protective layer that allowed me to lie through my teeth to allow others to believe that I was alright, that I was happy. I even have friends who find out for themselves that I'm not truly this bubbly facade that I play but one who is a recluse. Don't get me wrong, I am usually very happy when I'm around the people I love...it's just I guess growing up the way I have, I don't know how to be honest about my feelings.

I'm not very open to those amongst me, I allow them in my life but I still place a certain barrier. I hate that about myself. This goes back about reliving the past.

When I'm alone with nothing but spare time, I waste it all on the past. It's an outlet that I go back to, to wonder what I did wrong, what the fuck happened?! and what didn't occur. Of course it's stupid. It's a waste of my fucking time but the future hasn't arrived and the present seems to have no purpose.

I know what's past has past and it's about time to move on from everything. From whatever that has haunted me throughout the 16 years of my sad pathetic life and start living in the present. It's so easy to say so but so hard to do but I will try my very best to do what I think will improve me as a person and allow happiness back into my life.